|
 SYCHOTHERAPY is often more
difficult than it needs to be simply because new clients have questions and
concerns about the psychotherapy process that they cannot easily express.
After all, new clients may be unaware of the depths of their emotional processes
and may be unsure of their capacity for self-assertion. Stated as simply
as possible, psychotherapy is an intimate emotional encounter with the
psychotherapist, and it demands that you learn to overcome typical psychological
defenses such as running, hiding, and keeping secrets. For some persons,
this task can be quite terrifying. The questions that follow—real questions
by real people—may be of interest to anyone beginning, or thinking of
beginning, psychotherapy.
The Psychotherapy Process |
Transference Issues |
Termination Issues
|
The Psychotherapy
Process |
1. |
Your
website points out the importance of client and therapist honesty; however,
if a person has spent a lifetime avoiding and denying emotions, please advise
as to how to begin “opening up.” How is the “vault” to
be opened when a person doesn’t have the combination? |
2. |
How
much information does a psychologist need to know in order to help a patient?
What is important and what isn’t? |
3. |
As
a person is trying to deal with all these issues, please advise on how to
maintain the rest of his or her life. For example, since I am thinking non-stop
about each appointment, my home life and career is suffering horribly. How
does a person find balance, yet, still move toward feeling better? |
4. |
I
am the type of person that needs directions for everything. Isn’t there
some way of getting instructions on how to be an open and honest patient
without causing a total meltdown of emotions? |
5. |
How
can people whos [sic] jobs are to care be such a [expletive]?
Stop being an [expletive]; your [sic] a dumb [expletive]
head. |
6. |
I
have been in therapy for 2 years and it has been extremely helpful, in fact,
life changing, but I continue to have feelings of depression and thoughts
of suicide. . . . I have let go of the guilt I have carried
as a result of sexual promiscuity in my college years. I have not explored
being raped by a casual aquaintence in college. . . . I feel
confused as to why it has taken 2 years and I still feel horrible at times,
and was wondering what the process is, so that I would know if there was
something I was doing, or not doing, that was standing in the way of feeling
OK. . . . |
7. |
. . . my
childhood was very dysfunctional—my mother was physically and mentally
abusive, and my father died . . . when I was 21. Besides for all of this
I was sexually abused (somewhat - not actually raped) by a family teenage
friend when I was seven years old. . . . For the most part,
I pushed all of this from my mind until I was around 25. I then started having
major panic attacks. . . . I started therapy for the panic
attacks when I was 26. . . . This failed, mainly because I
was not willing to be honest with my psychologist. I hide my feelings and
thoughts very well. I stopped therapy and moved on. However in the past year,
several bad events have caused more panic attacks and bouts of
depression. . . . |
8. |
If
your sexual identity is all wrapped up in masochistic fantasies, does that
mean that even working through issues of abuse, that that will always be
there? I just wondered if, in your experience, that is the case. I have voiced
these feelings to my therapist, but she declined to answer. I am deeply ashamed
of these tendencies and couldn’t bear it if it was always
there. |
9. |
I’ve
only been in therapy for two months; because of a negative transference with
my psychiatrist, I quit going. He wrote me after a month to suggest that
I continue therapy. This is my first time having a male as a psychotherapist,
and it is really hard to talk about issues such as my painful childhood including
abuse. Up until this point in my life (I’m 33 years old) I’ve been
able to avoid male supervisors and direct contact with male co-workers and
professors in college. I cannot go through life this way feeling mostly
depressed, and being afraid of men! I’m feeling now that it is not such
a good idea to have a male therapist. |
10. |
I
have gotten myself into a huge mess. About 10 years ago, I was seeing a therapist
for depression. When we both realized it was coming to the time for me to
stop therapy, I began to panic—I realized I was in love with him and
began making up incredible stories of abuse from my past. I did some reading
and found that therapy for people with multiple personalities can last years,
so I began making up personalities. I eventually stopped seeing this therapist
when I could no longer continue the incredible energy it took to maintain
these false characters. I recently began seeing a therapist again when one
of my children started having some serious problems. I had every intention
of being honest and seriously dealing with my real problems, but once again
I have begun this crazy story-telling and am not at all facing the real pain
in my life. . . . |
11. |
My
husband has been seeing a psychologist for the last 2 years and last week
came home and said he was leaving me. We’ve been married for 36 years
and have what I thought was a good relationship. His psychologist has now
said he is co-dependent and needs to leave his family in order to get better.
Is this a normal part of healing? Of course I need a help now as I can’t
think without crying and can’t stop shaking. |
12. |
I
am interested in the effect psychotherapy has on someone and how much emotional
turmoil it can create. My ex boyfriend started intense therapy for 3 times
a week (18 months) in January and became more and more consumed by it. In
March, he seemed to change and started saying he didn’t like therapy
at the time and then one day he told me he didn’t love me anymore and
that he didn’t want to be with me. . . . When I asked
him why, he said he didn’t know why his feelings changed. At the time
he even said he felt differently towards his sister and mother too. He cut
me off. . . . |
13. |
My
husband was married when he was 19 as the result of pregnancy of his college
girlfriend. As it happens in many of these situations they didn’t make
it. . . . [We were married a couple months ago.] Ever since
we got back from the honeymoon my husband is sabotaging the relationship.
He says he can’t stand the thought of being married and he keeps grasping
and exaggerating issues to make it seem as though we will never make
it. . . . He doesn’t seem to be concrete on his
reasoning. . . . He is agreeing to marriage counseling and
we have been to 2 sessions. Our counselor . . . encouraged him
to get counseling for his issues from his past, he refused doing that. I
think he is scared to face it alone. I talked to her today and she said this
week she was going to recommend that we go to individual counseling for a
while. I asked her if we could also continue the couples counseling since
that was really the only arena in which we talk. She said she would continue
to see us every 2 weeks or every month. My question to you is, do you think
this approach is correct?. . . . |
14. |
I
have been seeing a therapist for about 3 years at great expense, as I am
not covered by any insurance. I have always found it very difficult to pay
but always pay eventually. I find it worthwhile to continue but I am unhappy
about the expense, especially as I have to decide whether to spend money
on therapy or live without a flatmate (I really want to live alone but cannot
afford to). My friends have told me that I am wasting my money. This morning
my therapist asked me to think about why I am always late in payments, and
I feel she is suggesting I am not committed to the therapy. She also indicated
she let it slide more than she would normally (3 months late) and was going
to think about why this happened on her part but also I was to go away and
think about this. I guess I am wondering how do I decide when therapy should
be over, and how do I find out whether perhaps she is trying to get rid of
me as a patient, and if it is normal to sometimes resent the expense of
therapy. . . . |
15. |
im
recovering from drink problem 4yrs sober in 12 step prog with psychodynmic
counselling 2 yrs for depression would they interfere with recovery side
by side. ive become very angry pushing people who help me is this part of
therapy I feel worse than ever but therapist just replies with ~the answers
i need lie inside me~ what does she mean by that ? im desperate to
know |
16. |
I
was in group psychotherapy for a couple of years and made some changes although
could still work on a few more issues. I was quite attracted to another member
but never felt safe enough to explore it. Actually, it caused a lot of anxiety
about issues I have with men. . . . I tried to bring it up
but felt awkward and uncomfortable as was not a group that was interactive
or confrontational (the therapist did most of
this). . . . |
17. |
I
was taught that anger is a bad thing. I’ve had an abusive childhood
but it is hard to feel any anger about it because I feel guilty and afraid
about offending God or blaming my parents. My therapist says I have to feel
angry feelings to get better. How can I show these feelings without freaking
out myself or the therapist so he will tell me to leave? |
18. |
I
started going to a therapist because of depression and work problems. Up
until now, the direction was that the depression was mainly due to a chemical
imbalance. Now my therapist wants to go back to intensive psychotherapy to
address ACOA issues. I am afraid going into these memories will send me back
into deep depression. The literature says that the process is painful but
nothing explains what the consequences can be. Can it send me into another
depression? |
19. |
[After
about six months of psychotherapy] I had a dream [in which my psychotherapist
was shown to be indifferent and uncaring]. My therapist trivialized the dream,
as she does with most dreams that I tell her about. I have stopped telling
her my dreams in fact. Ever since this dream, I seem to be getting nowhere
in therapy and feel as though I am wasting my
time. . . . |
20. |
I
have been seeing my therapist for 10mos now. He has never discussed with
me what I’m diagnosed with or what type of treatment course is being
taken. I come in, discuss my issues, concerns and leave. Now I have a lot
of questions about what I’m being treated for, what’s his theoretical
orientation and how long treatment is expected to last, but am uncertain
how to ask him. . . . |
21. |
I
am . . . training [to become a psychologist] and wish to understand
my own frustrations of feeling I had failed a patient I was working with;
he didn’t want any treatment, yet he wanted a cure for his illness which
I could not give him. I found myself wanting to “rescue”
him. |
22. |
I
have been in therapy on and off for 6 years.My first therapist died unexpectedly
between sessions. My second therapist screwed up and did not protect the
boundaries of the therapeutic relationship. I am with my third therapist
and things are progressing slowly, but I can see the work getting done. I
am having a problem trusting her and being willing to open up about what
the true feelings going on inside me are. She makes it easy to talk, but
I find it almost impossible to trust. What can I do to overcome this and
start dealing with the issues? |
23. |
I’ve
been in therapy for a 4 years now. And while it has been tremendously helpful
in some areas, this intimacy issue is a constant struggle as I am unable
to get into the really tough issues. I desperately want to, but every time
I think about it, my anxiety builds up to the point where I feel paralyzed
and can’t say anything, so I just don’t even bring it up; although
my therapist is aware of the problems. But now it’s gotten to a point
where I remain silent for long periods during the sessions, and I leave feeling
like a failure for wasting both my and my therapist’s
time. . . . |
24. |
Should
I chose another therapist if I feel the one I’m seeing is not exploring
any childhood issues? He basically just listens, he doesn’t ask any
deep rooted questions. Out of 3 sessions he’s given me 1 or 2 sentences
that I felt were worth holding on to! |
25. |
I
am having a difficult time, opening up with my therapist, and I have been
there for 6 months now. I have been through physical and sexual abuse as
a child, and I am just now starting to talk about it, but the therapist I
have is extremly pushy, and sometimes she says things to me that are very
confusing. . . . |
26. |
I
have been seeng a therapist off and on for the past ten years. I felt like
she did me a lot of good. After a break of two years, I returned to her to
deal with heavier issues (sexual abuse and related issues) and everything
seemed to have been going okay, but the six months or so, therapy has been
slow going. My question is this: in spite of all the time we’ve worked
together, we have never discussed a treatment plan or setting goals in
therapy. . . . |
27. |
I
have been in psychotherapy (4 times a week) for over four years now. It seems
to me that in the past few months my therapist has become distant. He rarely
talks with me now. There are some days when we will go an entire session
and he may say one sentence. . . . |
28. |
I
have been in therapy for over 20 years (the trauma, abandonment and addiction
issues are too numerous to mention here). . . . Then 16 years
ago, just after I got clean & sober, I met X. Therapy continued for 16
years with highs and lows there are still many issues I have to deal with.
Almost 20 months ago the Multiple Sclerosis I have had for over 20 years
became progressive. . . . Devastated by my illness and the
depression I relapsed! X turned cold. She wanted me to go to rehab; she said
she would resume therapy when I finished. She was in contact with me when
I was in rehab. It did not work out because of accessibility issues. Then
she wanted me to go to an intensive outpatient program; again it did not
work out, and since rehab she has refused to speak with
me. . . . |
29. |
I
have been in therapy for about 4 months now. Today my therapist asked me
if I felt like therapy was working or if I wanted to move on to another type
of therapy. Immediately I felt as though she must not think we are getting
anywhere. I have felt pretty good about our meetings and feel as though I
am slowly making progress. Do you think that my therapist is hinting at the
fact that she wishes to terminate therapy, or is it a standard procedure
for therapists to check in like she did? |
30. |
My
wife and I started seeing a marriage counselor who specializes in psychotherapy.
I discovered my wife had a long-term affair and lied about it and this was
really difficult for me to handle since we were married over 20
years. . . . The therapist immediately seemed to side with
my wife. The sessions never went in the direction I wanted, which was to
work on ways for us to stay together after the affair. . . .
I canceled that therapist and we went to someone new. Later, however, I found
out that my wife had continued to see our old therapist behind my back for
many sessions and that therapist basically told my wife that my wife needed
to start thinking about her own happiness and if that meant leaving me, that
was okay. . . . |
31. |
I
have developed a mild addiction to alcohol, and have a severe case of Attention
Deficit Disorder (not hyperactive). I went to see a psychotherapist and she
assured me that 7 hours of therapy would cure me. After about 4 months of
therapy, and really throwing everything into it, there is less control over
the drinking than ever before. . . . I feel as if I have wasted
a lot of time, energy and money on
therapy. . . . |
32. |
Two
years ago while browsing in a bookstore a guy attempted to convince me to
buy a particular book in the remainder pile. The exchange was like M.
Buber’s I and Thou. Ergo, we exchanged e-mail addresses. I wrote
him. He wrote back, offering his services as a guide post. I was more thinking
of forming a friendship with a kindred spirit. The fact that he wanted to
be my therapist sort of stopped communications. I did check out his credentials.
He’s a bonafide licensed Ph.D. psychotherapist. Because I haven’t
made much progress with my current therapist, a few months ago I called him
and set up an appointment. That session was once again like an “I and
Thou” encounter. My dilemma here is I’m torn between wanting this
man as a friend or settling for once a week, 50-minute-hour
rent-a-friend. |
33. |
I’ve
taken part at group psychotherapy for six months. There is an issue I think
might be essential about me and I’d like to talk about, but I feel extremely
shy, 1st) because I can’t be totally comfortable with other people 2nd)
because I live in a country where abortion is crime (I’ve had an abortion
performed in a very traumatic way and then for about ten years I got pregnant
nine more times and I just stopped that when I decided to carry on my last
pregnancy). I wouldn’t want to have problems with police (I trust my
psychotherapist but not the other members of the group), besides that I think
they (the other members of the group) might be judgmental or even indiscreet
about that. . . . |
34. |
I
have been seeing a psychotherapist on a weekly basis for the last year. Chief
issues are trust, especially in my relationship, inadequacy, fear of the
future, being alone and of course self-esteem. I have not noticed a positive
change in my thinking, handling of lifes problems although I have managed
to get a temporary job since therapy began. In the last two weeks I have
noticed a worsening of symptoms: panic, mistrust of my partner, inability
to concentrate at work. I seem to be carrying my insecurity into all spheres
of my life and have even considered hospitalisation. My therapist says that
she sees improvement not necessarily in the intensity but in the duration
of my moods; I however feel more immersed in them. I feel incapable of continuing
my present employment and relationship and even fear that I will not
“heal” if I do not end my relationship. My therapist says that
this will not eliminate the actual problems. Is this a normal process/phase
within therapy? |
35. |
How
does psychotherapy help a sad person who has a sad existence, when those
circumstances can’t be changed? In other words, how can therapy change
reality—outside of drugs, talking oneself into “positive
thoughts,” or otherwise masking the truth with a labeled
“condition?” If there is real reason(s) to be sad, what can therapy
do other than teach the patient to pretend they aren’t sad? |
36. |
My
therapist was late 10 minutes the last session. Is that right? I Was late
before 10 minutes (two times)—does it have any association? I feel so
bad, should I tell her? |
37. |
I
have been in therapy for about 5 1/2 years. My therapist, as far as I can
tell, is competent and wise. After the first year of therapy, I went through
a 12 day manic episode. Since then, I have painstakingly worked to achieve
a greater awareness of my unconscious mind—depression, rage, high anxiety,
feeling overwhelmed, terror, fear, crying so intense I feel I could shatter,
etc. I feel like I imagine a soldier would feel living day by day in the
combat field. It’s so draining: I want a break; I want to sleep without
waking with terrifying dreams; I want not to feel absolutely isolated and
alone; I want not to cry so intensely; I want the suicidal thoughts to stop.
I feel that I am improving; yet, it is so hard to preceive when wading through
so many repressed emotions and conflicts. I ask him constantly how long it
takes for the process to end, but he only says that we will know when it
does. . . . |
38. |
Although
I like my therapist and he usually provides me with key insights, I am somewhat
intimidated/frightened of him. I also wish he listened more, but find it
difficult to get that through to him because he often dismisses my
objections/concerns about his conclusions as just being “part of my
syndrome and my wanting to retreat back to my safe place.” Because of
this (and sometimes he can be sort of cold/abrasive), I find myself closing
off from him and really retreating back into
myself. . . . |
39. |
I
have been seeing my current therapist for about 3 1/2 months. The issues
I want to work on include depression, suicidality, and trying to move beyond
the wounds of having been physically and sexually abused as a child. Therapy
sessions have been going well. I’m only rarely suicidal. The depression
seems to have morphed into vague content. But I still feel emotionally frozen.
I still think that there is more work to be done on the abuse issue. I
don’t feel any resolution about it. Today the therapist, seemingly out
of the blue, asked if I wanted another session. I responded by saying “I
don’t know,” and switching to something
humorous. . . . My question is how do I deal with being asked
if I want another session? I feel unable to decide. I don’t want to
seem needy or bothersome. . . . |
40. |
I’m
looking for a psychotherapist. There are only a few who do psychodynamic
therapy here, just about four or five of them. Two of them are out of town
so I don’t really have a choice. I already know the person who is supposed
to be the best. The problem is that I already have a sort of a relationship
with him. I have been contacting him to help me out in my academics because
he is also a professor of psychology at the university. He couldn’t
do much to help me though. But every time I would call him I felt my low
self esteem and I felt like he doesn’t like me and I’m bothering
him. Since I don’t have much of a choice of psychotherapists, I was
wondering if I should get into therapy with him. But with such a relationship,
don’t you think the psychotherapeutic process will be
affected? |
41. |
I’ve
been seeing a therapist for 6 out of an allotted 9 sessions. From the beginning,
I’ve been uncomfortable with him. First it was his decision to stop
me from talking about my childhood because he felt we didn’t have enough
sessions to “get into that.” . . . None of this
feels good to me and I want to quit therapy with
him. . . . |
42. |
I
have been in psychotherapy for approximately 3 years with my current
therapist. . . . She has helped me dramatically, not just
with my presenting problems, but with deep issues that have prevented me
from being happy. . . . I find myself in a situation where
I am having difficulty paying her. I have considered seeing her an investment
($180 a session, weekly session, no mental health insurance) and it has been
a wise investment. I’ve been able to make changes in my life that I
wouldn’t have been able to make otherwise. . . . I am
very angry that she is not willing to cut her
fee. . . . |
43. |
I
made the decision to try psychotherapy after years of depression which started
in childhood. I have been to three sessions so far and have tried to be open
and honest. Although I liked the psychotherapist initially, the sessions
always contain long silences while he sits and stares at me. I find this
excruciating and desperately fish around for something to say until I go
blank and stare at the floor. . . . |
44. |
I
am seeing a psychotherapist, and one night I woke up thinking about the awkward
and geeky appearance of the psychotherapist. That really bothered me. I
can’t talk about it in psychotherapy because I don’t want to offend
him, but what could that mean? |
45. |
After
years of ongoing issues with our relationship, my wife started therapy about
6 months ago. She was really pushing me to start seeing [her psychotherapist]
as well, to deal with my personal issues (which she believes is the root
of our problems) After about 5-6 sessions into to her therapy, I began to
accompany her for a few couples sessions. I then called to set up ongoing
individual sessions. He told me that he didn’t feel comfortable seeing
me because he didn’t think he could be impartial. He encouraged me to
start seeing his wife (also a psychotherapist) instead. . . .
I now felt trapped into having to see his wife, who may or may not be the
right therapist for me. . . . |
46. |
I
have been going to therapy once a week for approximately 4 months. I had
an emotionally neglectful and abusing mother and an almost absent father.
Because of this I don’t seem to be in touch with my emotions. I also
suffer from depression and anxiety. I feel I have a fantastic therapist and
am getting into some deep and painful childhood memories. My therapist said
recently that I am starting to feel emotions. Lately I have been experiencing
odd health issues, like dermatitis, twitching muscles and opportunistic
infections which, as my doctor advised, is most probably due to stress. Is
it common to experience physiological symptoms when starting to remember
painful memories from the past? |
47. |
I
have been going to therapy for almost 3 years now and have finally broken
through some of the biggest barriers I had in place to protect myself. I
was raped and sexually abused when I was 12 and had kept it “under
wraps” for over 17 years. Now that the door has been opened I am in
crisis mode, barely maintaining a functional level at work and home. On top
of all this, my therapist just told me he is quitting his practice in less
than one month. I am scared because it takes me a long time to trust people
and now I feel like I’m being left behind when I need him
most. . . . |
48. |
I
entered therapy partly to deal with a chronic illness, rheumatoid arthritis.
My therapist believes that this illness is caused by repressed
emotion. . . . This is difficult idea for me to
swallow. . . . Because I think that dealing with any repressed
emotion can only help my illness and help me make a good life, I think my
therapist and I still have the same goal basically, so I think we can work
together. I believe that our work together can really help me improve my
life and maybe my illness. Here’s my question: Is it reasonable for
me to tell my therapist that I’m going with my version of what causes
my illness rather than his? Perhaps we can agree to disagree. What do you
think? |
49. |
I’ve
been seeing my therapist for about 6 months. Because of past bad experiences,
it took me a long time to be comfortable opening up to him. I see him for
depression and anorexia. The most recent issue we tackled was a date-rape
I experienced at 18. While discussing it, I felt so alone, and unsupported.
I brought it up to him at our next session and he told me that he is
intentionally inconsiderate of my feelings, intentionally harsh with me,
but would not expand on why. I feel very betrayed; I feel like he completely
destroyed me in 3 sentences; I’ve been very depressed, suicidal, and
not eating since I last saw him. . . . |
50. |
Recently
I started seeing a psychotherapist and during our last session (5th?), I
felt things got a little ugly. I got the sense that I was being attacked,
having my words twisted, having my current state indirectly belittled (I’m
not proud of it, and I don’t need to be told how harmful it is), being
repeatedly told that my emotions and beliefs about myself are false, being
told to what amounts to lying to myself, being cut off while I’m trying
to express myself, suggesting I get medication when she previously told me
she didn’t think it’s necessary and said I didn’t need to
if I didn’t want to (I’m very anti-meds and she didn’t even
suggest trying alternative therapies first), and generally being treated
like I’m stupid, like I don’t know I’d be unhappy if the status
quo continues. . . . |
51. |
.
. . A few weeks ago, I encountered one of the female clients of my analyst
at the elevator, just that, and I felt so jealous! Jealousy is a feeling
that I had never felt with anyone else (even with my husband) or this is
the way I thought. I don’t know why I felt like this, because I sure
know my analyst has other clients, right? But I felt
rejected. . . . |
|
Transference Issues |
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|
|
|
1. |
I
started therapy about 20 months ago, was very short and then we pass to
counseling. . . . I feel kind of cheated on, (and not by my therapist, but
by this whole therapy system) when you go to therapy, minding your own business,
or your own problems in this case, (at the beginning, I just went for marital
problems) how naive I was, I get a lot more that what I bargain for. Happen
out of nowhere struck me like a big hard rock that I did not see coming or
know what it was, the transference
feelings. . . . |
2. |
I
think about my therapist all the time and desperately wish for a closer
relationship with her. I want to be her friend too. Will this desire for
a personal friendship ever go away? I feel so desperate about it
sometimes. |
3. |
I
am SO mad right now at my therapist. . . . I don’t FEEL
supported. I feel alone and vulnerable. . . . How can a person
be expected to share . . . when it seems as if all . . .
has been trivialized? Maybe not so much trivialized as ignored or not responded
to at all. . . . I really do feel like an
infant. . . . When I would need a hug, I bet I wouldn’t
get that. If I needed a friend, I wouldn’t get that. If I needed someone
to actually care for me, I wouldn’t get that either. . . .
I want my therapist to tell me what things mean because it is so hard for
me to see them. |
4. |
I
have been in therapy for a few months. I was sexually abused by my brother
and grandfather. I also have abandonment issues concerning my mother. My
problem is, I have developed this tremendous feeling of caring for my therapist,
and I don’t know whether to tell him of this. Also, I recently have
begun feeling rejected by him, and I don’t understand these feelings.
The last session, it was all I could do to sit there. Are these feelings
normal?
I have been in therapy for about three years, and have a good relationship
with my therapist, however I left her today feeling murderous feelings towards
her, this rage towards her is building up, and I am very scared at these
feelings, as they are too violent for me to cope with. . . .
I am worried I will explode at her. . . . Please assure me
this is normal, and have you any suggestions how . . . I can protect
me and her from these feelings. |
5. |
I
am married but lately I am having fantasies about having sex with my therapist.
Telling my therapist is out of the question so will I end up trying to seduce
him if I don’t tell? |
6. |
I
have a tremendous amount of transference going on with my therapist to the
point where I can say I feel almost in love with her. I resent the fact that
she has a life outside of our hourly weekly session. I resent the fact that
she has other clients. . . . |
7. |
I
have been in psychotherapy for 8 months after a gap of about 8 years. I seem
to be moving on so much quicker this time and with a real determination to
use the therapeutic process honestly. I recently became aware of my sexual
feelings for my therapist, and before discussing this with him, decided to
explore the issue myself. Consequently this caused a huge shift in me and
I had what I guess may be called a “breakthrough crisis,” all very
painful but so amazingly insightful. What I don’t fully understand now,
is why my sexual feelings for him have not abated. I know my need for him
is based on my unfulfilled infant needs, but how does the process of transference
resolve? |
8. |
My
therapist [has been planning on moving to another state]. . . .
I’ve been in therapy for at least 4 years and made a lot of
progress. . . . But [recently] she told me that the contract
on her house has not yet been signed and the deal could fall through and
that she may be around another 6 months. I was bummed out, though I didn’t
tell her that. My mind is geared to leaving. . . . I’m
confused. . . . I hate to say it, but I think I’m being
strung along. . . . And now I’m even feeling like she’s
the one who doesn’t want to let go and I’m taking care of her feelings
by staying. . . . My anger is starting to express itself in
masochistic sexual fantasies with my
therapist. . . . |
9. |
My
therapist is acting as though he is sexually attracted to me. Should he tell
me about his sexual attraction? Should I go to another therapist? Is this
normal for a therapist to have these feelings? Is it unethical or does he
have lack of training? |
10. |
Suddenly
I have this tense and anxious feeling and I just don’t want to go to
my psychotherapist. I have mentioned it to her. I’ve been with her for
nearly 3 yrs (1 yr. privately), and had a very good relationship with her
but of late I “tell myself” perhaps even convince myself that she
is just doing a “job,” does not really care about me, and from
my obessional feeling for therapy and therapist I’ve moved to the other
extreme and don’t know why. . . . |
11. |
I
want more than anything for my therapist to hug me because it hurts so much
sometimes when we talk. Would that be inappropriate? |
12. |
Could
you suggest an appropriate gift for Christmas for my therapist; I have been
in analyasis of the past year. |
13. |
I’ve
been in Therapy for about 2 years now. My Therapist is a man. He is well
in his 50’s. I am 26, however and have been sexually and emotionally
attracted to him and think about him alot as well as fantise about him alot.
I have brought it up a few sessions ago. He always hugs me at the end of
our sessions and has done this since I have been seeing him. Now, it has
gone further. . . . He kissed me, touched me all over and
made me want him, but he said he couldn’t because he loves me and cares
about me and doesn’t want me to hate him and that if we were to end
up having sex that I couldn’t ever be his patient again and never see
him again for 1 year he said. . . . |
14. |
I
have been in therapy for about 8 months now with a 51 year old male
psychoanalyst. He is very professional. I am a 34 year old female being treated
for Depression as well as PTSD. I’ve dealt with abusive relationships
in my past. My therapist does the following: he ogles me (usually my legs
and foot area); compliments me (such as you’re sexy, sexual, attractive
and classy); initiates comments about my past sexual experience (like did
your high school boyfriend perform cunninglingus[sic] on you?, also did you
enjoy it?); he is always late starting sessions and late ending them. Sometimes
he is warm towards me, other times he is strangely
distant. . . . |
15. |
Yes,
I am in love with my therapist, so maybe my perceptions are biased or delusional,
but at the same time I feel violated and disrespected and that I am being
driven to secondary insanity. A few months ago, when he told me that he was
leaving on vacation, I mentioned how difficult it is when he is gone. He
replied, “You should just come to [...]. It’s not a bad idea.”
The following week during the same scenirio he replied, “You should
just come with. We could spend some time, you know, talking about [expletive
deleted]” No, he didn’t mean what he was saying, but the lightness
of these comments felt demeaning. . . . |
16. |
I
have read things you and others have said about therapy and I understand
intellectually the reasons why I am finding therapy so painful and difficult
even after 3 years. However, I just can’t get my feelings to understand.
I just cannot stop the intense longings and desires I have for things from
my therapist that my therapist cannot give me. I also do things in the session,
like act like a child or become speechless, that make it even harder to have
a normal adult relationship with her. It seems impossible—that my feelings
will never accept reality, and that I will never be able to end therapy having
gotten through to the other side this. What can I do to align my knowledge
and my feelings and accept the limitations of this relationship? |
17. |
I
recently decided I needed to make some changes in my life and I was not sure
where to begin. . . . I called my insurance company and told
them I needed help. . . . My third and last session was very
emotional and I revealed very personal things, at the end of the session
the counselor asked if I needed a hug and extended his arms out to me. I
was very uncomfortable but I did not want to be rude so I said yes and we
hugged. Now I am so confused about the whole thing. I called and cancelled
my sessions for the next few weeks. Is this a normal part of psychotherapy?
Why am I not sure now if I want to even try going back? |
18. |
I
am a 17 year old girl seeing a psychologist in his 50s. I’ve been seeing
him for a year and a half now. He helps me so much, but I am starting to
have an attachment/attraction to him. Sometimes he seems to feel the same
way, talking about “us” or will compliment my physical appearance.
I am flattered, but at the same time—confused. I’ll be leaving
in a year to go off to college, so how can I get rid of this attachment?
Also, was it “ok” for him to give me compliments? |
19. |
I
actually need [my psychotherapist] to sit closer to me in order to allow
myself to experience emotions there. Or certain emotions, most notably sadness.
My prior therapuetic relationship felt emotionally containing, though touch
there was actually minimal. Is it so wrong to ask my therapist to sit next
to me and hold my hand while I “go there”? |
20. |
I
am a highly functioning depressed borderline. . . . I’ve
been to over 20 therapists in 20+ years. . . . I feel confident
that I’m just smarter than a lot of therapists I
meet. . . . When I felt feelings for my current therapist,
I told her. . . . I felt we should really examine it, this
transference thing that feels so much like unrequited
love. . . . I don’t think she’s capable of
understanding, or maybe just not of dealing with what I’m going
through. . . . Given that I have such a hard time finding
therapists, I am truly loathe to abandon this one. |
21. |
I
am not getting what I need from my psychotherapist. She does not remember
what I tell her, and after 9 sessions, has neither established a treatment
plan or diagnosis. I am also a recovering alcoholic, with almost three months
sobriety. I cannot believe that my mood swings are normal. My experience
with psychotherapy has been limited to the 9 sessions I have had with a
psychologist. I seem to do all the talking. I have not gotten any real
help. . . . |
22. |
I
wish my therapist was my mother. On some days when I look particularly unwell
she says she wishes she could take me home and look after me. I totally
understand that this can and will never happen and the therapy is always
completely professional—no touching, no hugging etc. I know that I feel
like this because my own childhood and relationship with my mother was lacking
in many ways. But at the same time I desperately crave the closeness of a
mother/daughter relationship with her. . . . |
23. |
I’m
a [mid thirties] woman seeing a [early fifties] psychiatrist and I was just
wondering if it means anything if he gets [sexually aroused] during a session.
We were talking about my sexual relations with my boyfriend and I looked
over and saw, very clearly, that he had [become aroused]. . . .
Is this something that is a common occurrence in therapy that I shouldn’t
concern myself with? Do you think I should tell him that I saw it and discuss
it with him. . . ? |
24. |
I
have a wonderful relationship with my father, but I am still extremely attracted
(sexually and emotionally) to my older male therapist. I have tried to speak
about my attraction to him on several different occasions, but we never discuss
the deeper meaning of it, other than him just saying he feels really flattered
that I feel this way about him and says I am attractive, beautiful, etc.
Last week after our session he gave me a really intimate hug. I don’t
understand what is going on. . . . |
25. |
I
. . . have been in psychotherapy for almost a year. My doctor has been very
sympathetic and I have found myself flirting with him to avoid dealing with
the various issues for which I sought his help. As a result, I’ve felt
that the sexual tension has been building between us for a number of months.
I am now in the process of experiencing a strong erotic transference which
I believe is a result of both of our actions. . . . When I
discussed the transference with him, his immediate response was “It’s
not me.” . . . I left wondering whether he believed he
had played a role in activating my
feelings. . . . |
26. |
I
. . . started psychodynamic psychotherapy two years ago with a woman who
I guess is in her early sixties. I’m training as a psychotherapist.
. . . I started to trust my therapist more and work on deep issues but I
also got the feeling that my therapist was trying to encourage an erotic
transference—the way she looked at me, interrupted what I was talking
about to focus on our connection. She said several times that the relationship
went beyond the consulting room, that we both had each other on our minds,
talked about our closeness and things of that sort. I began to get strong
emotional and erotic feelings. . . . I came to the conclusion that she had
been lying to me all along in order to encourage the transference and felt
totally manipulated. . . . |
27. |
I
have been seeing my therapist for nearly 8 years. We have had a very profound,
intense relationship with varying degrees of transference and
countertransference. . . . I have become very attached to him. . . . he revealed
to me his turmoil and personal feelings. . . . later he abruptly told me
that he could not see me outside of the office and that our relationship
would change. He could only see me for sessions and I could not leave him
phone messages any longer as I had in the past. At any rate, I have had an
enormously emotional reaction to all this. . . . |
28. |
I
am a 45 year old female who has been in therapy with a male psychiatrist
for about 20 months. I was depressed, suicidal and addicted to drugs when
I began seeing him and the process has been very intense. I’ve worked
through powerful transference feelings for him of love, hate and
terror. . . . But he has begun to ask me what our goals are
now and what work we still have to do. . . . I never saw therapy
as work, but just as this overwhelming emotional process that I was caught
up in. . . . I don’t know what to tell him and hope you
might have some advice about when and how to end. |
29. |
I
am sincerely asking about the following: Why am I both attracted to and repulsed
by my psychologist? On one hand he is attractive to me and then on another
day I think he is weird looking and somewhat odd. What could that be
about? |
30. |
24
years ago. . . . I sought a psychologist for
help. . . . When I began to feel more “special,”
I developed an awful crushing erotic transference for the therapist, who
at nearly 60 was exactly the age of my mother. I am sure he knew it, he once
remarked that he was suffering from “transference in the opposite,”
which terrifed me so I just pretended he hadn’t said
that. . . . |
31. |
I
have been seeing the same therapist for quite awhile and feelings of sexual
attraction to him have gradually developed. I was honest and brought them
up with him, but what am I am confused about is the way that he responded
to them. He said he is “slowing down in that department,” that
he’s on heart medications that interfere, and that he has enough trouble
just trying to keep up with his wife. . . . |
32. |
I
have been having an erotic transference toward my therapist for 8 months.
He has known about it for 6 months. In reviewing the psychoanalytical literature,
I found many references to the therapist experiencing an erotic
countertransference in reaction to the client’s transference. It was
explained that it was the unconscious working without the conscious being
aware. I shared such an article with my therapist who disagreed. He said
he had never had any sexual feelings for me. I am devastated. I did not want
these feelings to be acted out but I wanted to feel
desirable. . . . |
33. |
My
situation is very complex. Approximately a year and a half ago, I began
psychotherapy to discuss some underlying issues regarding some weight gain.
I was approaching forty, my 15+ year marriage was failing, my husband traveled
frequently, and I was a stay-at-home mom of young children. There was also
childhood issues which had never been addressed. . . . I initially
found it to be very intimidating but my psychotherapist made me feel both
comfortable and safe. I continued psychotherapy successfully for several
months, lost a significant amount of weight, and slowly developed feelings
of transference for my psychotherapist. Once I realized this, I asked him
if we could discuss. . . . |
34. |
For
years now I have thought about how [my psychotherapist] sees me. I guess
maybe it was some imagined fantasy or something. You see, I was thinking
that he never SAID I was special, but he thought it. And that has always
been very important to me. Very, very important. . . .Anyway, when I asked
him if he would come to my graduation, I fully expected him to say no. .
. . But when he turned me down, it was totally different. Totally. What he
said was, “I don’t attend any of my clients’
celebrations.”. . . . |
|
Termination Issues |
1. |
I’ve
been in therapy for almost 8 years. It doesn’t feel like I have changed
much despite incredible understanding and patience on the part of my therapist.
I have come to the realization that probably the most important thing I can
do in therapy is to leave therapy. Yet the very idea sends me into
panic—but how will I function? I’ll die! My therapist does not
ever give me advice. . . . |
2. |
I
read question [Termination #1] on the page with interest and wondered if
you could help me with a slight variation. I also have been in therapy for
about 7 years, but do (unlike the writer of the original question) feel it
has helped me a lot to cope more effectively with emotions (even just to
realize I HAD emotions!). I did not actually get particularly attached to
the therapist for the first few years but have in the last few years become
extremely attached. I also feel like it would be unbearable not to have this
in my life and specifically not to have the therapist in my
life. . . . |
3. |
I
have been in treatment for approximately 2½ years. I saw my psychologist,
at first on a twice weekly basis, and I now see him on a weekly basis. I
was very depressed when I first went to see my psychologist. He has been
helping me with PTSD, depression, and anxiety. He has helped me greatly.
Last week he became unexpectedly ill and was
hospitalized. . . . I am very
distraught. . . . |
4. |
I
have was seeing a therapist for three years and really disclosed a lot to
her and I trusted her. She bought a home in another part of the state (500
miles away) and moved there. I asked her if I could continue to see her once
a month (I would go there to meet with her); however she said that she wanted
me to see someone here in town because this was unethical on her part to
continue to see me if she wasn’t living here
locally. . . . |
5. |
I
just terminated psychotherapy after 3½ years. I saw this psychiatrist
for PTSD, anxiety and depression. I feel I made good progress. For the past
2 years my therapist and I often discussed my attraction to him. Just recently
the attraction became more intense and he encouraged me to come over to his
chair and touch his arm if I felt it was unbearable. I did that. He then
said the relationship was unworkable. Then he asked if I could come in for
3 more sessions. I said no & cancelled all of my twice weekly
appointments. . . . |
6. |
My
question is about termination. I began seeing a therapist 8 years ago for
sexual abuse issues & marital difficulties. After 2 years she took a
2 year sabbatical. During that 2 years I periodically & briefly saw several
other counselors to help me cope with a mentally ill daughter. When I ran
into my counselor 4 years ago I resumed seeing her 4-6 times a year. During
the last 4 years I have considered her more a counselor than a therapist
for me, although it was therapeutic. I’ve felt for the last year and
a half that I should be working toward termination but didn’t discuss
it with her until 4 months ago. . . . |
7. |
I
have been in individual and couples therapy for close to two and half years.
I (and my partner as well) feel like we would like to terminate the relationship
for a number of reasons. Can you provide some guidelines as to what and how
is the best way to communicate this desire? I don’t want to get into
some battle or confrontation or upset her. |
8. |
I
was diagnosed with PTSD. I applied for and was originally told I was awarded
$10,000 in counseling costs. I saw until recently a psychologist; I have
had sessions regularly for the past year. Rececntly, well a couple of months
ago, a letter was sent to me from the state office of Victims of Crimes (Victim
witness assistance). This informed me that the therapist I have seen was
last paid in February 2002. This office would not pay beyond this
date. . . . |
9. |
When
I asked my therapist about the therapy process, he told me I wasn’t
the kind of person who needed long term therapy. Then several months later
when I was wanting to terminate therapy he said that I should be in therapy
with him my whole life, so I could work on my intimacy issues with him. He
said that if I left I would be sabotaging myself. When I asked him to explain,
he then said that I should be in therapy for two years and it didn’t
have to be with him. I asked him to share with me what he felt my issues
were. He asked me what I was going to do with the information. I was perplexed
by this question and responded with “get better.” The relationship
deteriorated fast after this and I terminated the therapy, as I didn’t
feel safe with him. . . . |
10. |
I
would like to terminate my relationship with my psychotherapist of three
years. I haven’t been to see him in three months; it was always our
arrangement that I would see him when I wanted and there were never regularly
scheduled visits. Our relationship was a “very intense transference
relationship” as he put it but suddenly I just feel OK without him (no
fondness, no attachment, no anger). . . . |
11. |
Do
therapist end services with hints or do they give you a clear ending to therapy?
my husband and i are in therapy together and our therapist says i can call
anytime but in my husbands last session he told him that he thinks i should
see someone else because it was causing conflict in my husbands
therapy. . . . |
12. |
I
have had to terminate psychoanalysis rather suddenly after several years.
My issues were childhood trauma, prolonged hospitalization of severely
psychotically depressed mother and total physical abandonment by father.
I talked freely with my analyst about my family’s financial difficulties
and took loans etc. to pay for my treatment. I felt toward the end that he
just was not hearing what I was saying. Also, I picked up on dimimished empathy,
lack of concern, and the feeling like he wanted me to
leave. . . . |
13. |
Two
weeks ago, my psychologist (PhD) abruptly terminated my therapy with her,
telling me at what I thought was to be a regular session that she was terminating
immediately. I . . . have seen her for about 13 . . .
years. . . . The only explanation given to me re: the reason
for termination was that she “couldn’t remain objective” in
treating me. . . . |
14. |
My
treatment at the place I have been an inpatient at for over the last year
has to end in the next couple of weeks. . . . [My psychotherapist]
has started telling me some things about herself, personal things like how
she coped in certain situations in her
past. . . . |
15. |
I
have been seeing my therapist for almost 3 years. . . . Although
my therapist and I have a bond, I have doubted our current progress a few
times over the past four months. Her psychodynamic approach is not improving
my anxieties and I don’t call her when I am in a bind or desperate anymore.
I seem to have become more religious over the past 3 years too and phone
my clergy mentors in lieu of her. I took an inspiring trip 2 weeks ago and
came back stronger and “ready to leave” my therapist—and find
someone who specializes in cognitive work. . . . |
16. |
I
have been in therapy for eight years. I saw my first therapist for four years
until she left the practice; we worked towards an ending over a period of
months and I started to see a therapist from the same practice shortly
afterwards. I have been seeing my current therapist for four years. Two weeks
ago I had difficulty talking to my therapist as we had been talking about
some sexual abuse I suffered as a child, and I found it difficult to talk
about it. I said “this can’t go on for ever can it” and my
therapist said no it can’t. . . . |
17. |
My
therapist borrowed some of my writings, about myself and my emotions. I no
longer see him. I want the writings back but we ended on bad terms. Those
papers belong to me. Why hasn’t he voluntarily returned them to
me? |
18. |
I
am a female . . . and I have been seeing my own female therapist weekly for
the past six years. Over the years, we have both developed a deep attachment
to each other and have discussed this openly. I was taken by surprise when
she told me one day that I don’t need to be in therapy anymore and that
I should call her if I need her. We hadn’t discussed termination before.
My therapist was much more distant on this day in contrast to her usual
friendliness. . . . |
19. |
One
day [my psychotherapist] said she was leaving her group of therapists and
taking another job. She was not sure if she would be continuing her private
practice. She would no longer be my therapist and I needed to find someone
else. I told her I could not bear to start therapy over again with someone
new. Although we met several times after that, she changed her manner and
became cold and distant. . . . |
20. |
I’m
30 years old and have been seeing a psychotherapist for a little over a year
2x a week for PTSD, Panic Attacks, etc. In the last 4 months I have no longer
suffered any of the symptoms of PTSD nor have I experienced any panic attacks.
I desperately needed a psychotherapist previously to take the healing journey
(with me) recovering from the effects of abandonment, child-abuse, teenage
rape and violence. My anger has dissolved into compassion, self-hatred into
love, my life has changed hugely, and I feel immensely happy within my deepest
sense of self that’s not dependent on anything or anyone—I’m
so very grateful to my psychotherapist for taking this journey with
me—she’s been amazing, supportive and perfect; however, I feel
that I no longer need a psychotherapist, and I believe that I’m ready
to move on. I have discussed my feelings (over a few weeks) with my
psychotherapist about wanting to end our therapeutic relationship, but it
would appear that she believes I’m not
ready. . . . |
21. |
After
nearly seven years of four times a week psychoanalysis I feel I’ve come
to the end of this phase of my analytic work. I’ve learned so much about
myself and discovered pieces and parts of myself that I’d alienated
or isolated or just plain tried to forget about. I wasn’t expecting
the end of analysis to be so painful. . . . |
22. |
I
am 36, female, seeing a male therapist who I am guessing is a few years older
maybe, but close to my age. He is a cognitive therapist. . . . His gentleness
was very disarming and his warmth and empathy really touched the pain in
me. I became very quickly and deeply attached. . . . His services to me were
through an agency through which I qualified for free help. The problem became
that these sessions were finite. . . . I have reached the cap on the sessions
and now must switch to someone new whom I have to pay myself. So, I am caught
in a double whammy... intense transference and termination
terror. . . . |
23. |
What
do I do about a psychotherapist who passed me on to another psychotherapist
because he felt he didn’t have the experience to help me (after 7 months
together) and yet continues to contact me? It’s been 3 years and he
still calls. . . . |
24. |
I
went in for psychotherapy 5 months ago to cope with the recent discovery
of my husband’s pornography addiction and the depression that resulted.
He was in cognitive behavioral therapy at the time with a different provider
and different practice. Well, he is now out of psychotherapy and I am still
in psychotherapy. I am no longer depressed and feeling much better, and I
attempted on two different sessions to end my psychotherapy, and my
psychotherapist was extremely resistant to me ending psychotherapy and almost
controlling insisting that I have tons of other issues that I don’t
know I have. . . . |
25. |
I
have been working with my psychologist for five years. We have mostly been
working on chronic health issues, depression, anxiety, emotional childhood
neglect and trust issues. About 1 month ago I finally realized how truly
isolated and disconnected I have made myself to avoid being hurt or abandoned.
This has truly been the biggest breakthrough in psychotherapy and has taken
so long because I kept testing my psychologist’s trust and I finally
had to accept it in my life. After I finally committed to wanting to change
this in my life, my psychologist suddenly told me she was no longer going
to be able to do private practice (she also does in-patient) and is quitting
at the end of the month. I once again feel
abandoned. . . . |
If you have read through the above questions and still
have a question that is specifically about the psychotherapy process and
that has not been addressed already in the other questions, feel free to
send it through the
Questions and Answers
about Psychotherapy Form. Questions of general interest which raise issues
that have not already been addressed on these pages will be answered here
at my discretion—as my time permits—and may be edited for spelling
and punctuation.
You may also send questions about my answers. I am not willing to argue with
anyone, but I will listen to what you have to say and will improve an answer
if necessary. |
No
advertising—no sponsor—just the simple truth . . .
|
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Additional
Resources
Related pages within A Guide to Psychology and
its Practice:
Choosing a
Psychologist
Confidentiality
Consumer Rights and
Office Policies
How To Become a
Psychologist
Legal Issues
The Limits of
Psychology
Psychology:
Clinical or Counseling or ...?
Reasons to Visit a
Psychologist
Termination of
Psychotherapy
Types of
Treatment
CONTACT ME
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