I am
SO mad right now at my therapist. . . . I don’t FEEL
supported. I feel alone and vulnerable. . . . How can a person
be expected to share . . . when it seems as if all . . .
has been trivialized? Maybe not so much trivialized as ignored or not responded
to at all. . . . I really do feel like an
infant. . . . When I would need a hug, I bet I wouldn’t
get that. If I needed a friend, I wouldn’t get that. If I needed someone
to actually care for me, I wouldn’t get that either. . . .
I want my therapist to tell me what things mean because it is so hard for
me to see them.
So why in the world does the psychotherapist not give hugs,
not be a friend, not reveal personal feelings, not give explicit direction?
Well, it’s not to be mean; instead, it’s to bring out deep
unconscious meaning.
It’s to help you realize that you’re desperate to get a hug, desperate
for a friend, desperate to know personal feelings, and desperate for explicit
direction. And why would you be so desperate? Well, most likely, if you had
had ordinary family experiences you would have experienced all of these
things—hugs, friendship, personal feelings, guidance and direction—in
your own family. So I can surmise your desperation reveals that you
didn’t get these things in your family. “I really do feel like
an infant.” Maybe your mother and father failed you even when you were
an infant. “I don’t FEEL supported. I feel alone and vulnerable.”
Maybe your father was somehow lacking, perhaps an alcoholic so lost in his
alcohol that he couldn’t support you. “How can a person be expected
to share . . . when it seems as if all . . . has been
trivialized? Maybe not so much trivialized as ignored or not responded to
at all.” Well, how can you be expected to have learned how to share
anything with anyone when your own family ignored you because everyone was
too preoccupied with other things to respond to you?
“I want
my therapist to tell me what things mean because it is so hard for me to
see them.” That’s what you wanted from your father, for example,
isn’t it? There’s a lot of pain and tears in that sentence. But
the fact is, a psychotherapist can’t just “tell” you anything.
Psychotherapy is not an intellectual process. You have to feel it. And you
have to feel it deep and raw right in your heart. You couldn’t feel
it with your family, so, if it’s going to be real and emotional, you
have to feel it with your psychotherapist. That’s why psychotherapy
involves more than just talking about the details and facts; you must
experience the facts. You must enter into the process. You can hide details;
you can’t hide process. Like it or not, process leaks out through all
your pores.
And when you
recognize that truth about your family, and feel it in your heart—not
to blame anyone, but to be emotionally
honest so that
you can eventually
forgive
everyone—then you will stop blaming yourself. In the mean time, go ahead
and blame your psychotherapist—and, of course, speak about all this
in the psychotherapy itself so your psychotherapist can help you direct the
anger to where it
really belongs. Then, when the anger has been resolved, you will able to
live honestly, without blaming anyone.
No
advertising—no sponsor—just the simple truth . . .
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