Questions and Answers

I grew up with an emotionally unavailable mother. My father was very kind but was hardly around because of work. I am a 28 female and most of my life, and (as I now understand it) I secretly longed for and vigilantly sought after other women with whom I could find a maternal replacement. I’ve always felt guilty about this because I know that my mother did the best she knew how. And as I’m getting older, it seems like I should no longer have such infantile and needy issues, so I’m trying to be independent emotionally. Needless to say, I’ve never had an intimate relationship with anyone.   I’ve been in therapy for a 4 years now. And while it has been tremendously helpful in some areas, this intimacy issue is a constant struggle as I am unable to get into the really tough issues. I desperately want to, but every time I think about it, my anxiety builds up to the point where I feel paralyzed and can’t say anything, so I just don’t even bring it up; although my therapist is aware of the problems. But now it’s gotten to a point where I remain silent for long periods during the sessions, and I leave feeling like a failure for wasting both my and my therapist’s time. My therapist is very good in always asking for feedback on how I fared afterwards in the next session, and then we can continue discussing about the present incident. But after that, I clam up again and the whole thing starts over again.   I’m aware of the fact that feeling my emotions with another person is part of the process in therapy, and I recognize my avoidance in that. But there’s a big difference in understanding the process and going through it. Do you have any suggestions that can help me open up?   First of all, you might want to read the answer I gave to a previous question on this subject, in which I explain “opening up” in general. Your question, however, touches on an important aspect of emotional openness in psychotherapy. You say that “my therapist is aware of the problems.” But four years is a long time for you to have been struggling with this problem. It’s really the psychotherapist’s job to help you enter into emotional intimacy. Being “aware” isn’t enough. A psychotherapist has to notice precisely where you pull back and then make an interpretation to help you articulate your inner experiences. You “clam up” because you’re facing some very unpleasant emotions, and your psychotherapist must have the courage and confidence to help you raise these feelings into conscious language. So, if you “clam up” and your psychotherapist doesn’t notice it and do something about it, then he or she is not doing a proper job. Granted, it can take a lot of training and experience to notice the subtle cues a client gives when avoiding emotions, so if your psychotherapist isn’t up to the job, you might want to find someone who’s better suited to help you. Of course, given your problems with intimacy, you probably feel a certain allegiance to your psychotherapy, even as it is failing you. Remember, that’s how you felt about your mother, right? Now you have to force yourself to find something better.    Back to the list of questions

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