I wish
my therapist was my mother. On some days when I look particularly unwell
she says she wishes she could take me home and look after me. I totally
understand that this can and will never happen and the therapy is always
completely professional—no touching, no hugging etc. I know that I feel
like this because my own childhood and relationship with my mother was lacking
in many ways. But at the same time I desperately crave the closeness of a
mother/daughter relationship with her. We’ve talked about it. I’ve
written for hours about it. But I still can’t get rid of this enormous
longing and pain. What am I missing here?
Psychodynamic psychotherapy actually has two distinct,
yet interrelated, aspects to it.
The first aspect
is insight. That is, in order to achieve healing for the
unconscious wounds
that trouble you, it is necessary to look back into your past to recover
any emotions that
you have suppressed about past events. Then it will be necessary to understand
how those emotions continue to live within you now, right in the present,
as unconscious motivating forces for all your current experiences. (Because
unconscious motivations “drive” your behavior, these unconscious
motivations are technically called drives in psychoanalytic
language.)
The second aspect
is behavioral change. That is, once you understand how the past continues
to live within you emotionally, you then have access to the ability to make
conscious decisions to act differently in the present from the ways you are
being driven to act unconsciously.
Both of these
aspects take a lot of time and hard work. Although the insight work initially
precedes any behavioral changes, ultimately, as the therapeutic work progresses,
the two processes occur together. Moreover, even after you have concluded
the psychotherapy work, the rest of your life will be a continuous process
of insight into your unconscious motivations followed by immediate conscious
decisions about how to act in psychologically healthy and
honest
ways.
Now, from what
you say, you have done a lot of good work in regard to insight. You understand
what was lacking in your childhood, you feel the emotions related to the
lack, and you recognize the emotional yearning in the present for your mother
in the person of the psychotherapist.
So what is missing
here?
Well, if
psychotherapy is nothing more than insight, and if all that you do is dwell
in the emotions of what you lacked in childhood, you will get stuck in
self-pity.
You will repetitiously act out your yearnings for your mother in your relations
with others. And all that
repetition will
take you nowhere but in circles.
Therefore, to
break out of that closed circle of always missing the point, it is necessary
to act differently. Instead of unproductively and melancholicly yearning
for what you want, teach yourself to give to others. Now that
you understand clearly what you most desire, give to others what you most
desire yourself. Become a “mother” to everyone—not as
a
smothering
mother who gives material things only to make herself feel wanted, but as
a symbolic mother who gives from her heart spiritual qualities such as patience,
understanding, encouragement, kindness, forbearance and
forgiveness. Giving
from your heart like this for the good of others, regardless of what others
do to you, is called love, and through
real love you
will attain a closeness to others that is more enormous than you can
imagine.
No
advertising—no sponsor—just the simple truth . . .
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